


Hold Me

by itsobsessive



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: ASDFDGKLFD;S, Angst, Crying, Denial of Feelings, Drabble, F/M, FUCKIN NO TAG FOR POETIC AF HWO THE FUC DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, How Do I Tag, I Blame Tumblr, I'm Sorry, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not really though, Prompt Fic, RUDE BTICHES, Sad Danny, Sad Ending, Self-Denial, Short, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Tags Are Hard, Their Love Is So, WHAT AREW YOU FOIFN, WTF AO3 WHY ISN TTHERE A TAG FOR THRAT, What Have I Done, and also denial, at all, buts it poetic af so theres that, bye, except not really, honestly i dont recommend reading it tbh, i dont think that means dan howell but whatever, im done with tags jfc, im not sorry, it kinda sucks, its not sweet, its really angsty but its not like a surpise ending, non existent, picture prompt, poetic af, pretty much entirely angst, sad af, so many tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-12 22:53:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7126537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsobsessive/pseuds/itsobsessive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is getting married and Dan couldn't be happier for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Picture Prompt](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/204328) by maddox-rider. 



> Sup my babes. So I'm also posting this on tumblr, cause its for the phanfictioncatalogue picture prompt thingy and its just a lil drabble.  
> Warnings: just vv angsty and still a sad ending (also i think i say like one swear word)  
> also dont hate alice please shes so sweet and i love her more than words  
> alSO every time theres a break, its a flashback/end of a flashback. :)  
> also my title game be weak af

Dan was okay. He was, really. He knew he was okay, he was just still going through some things, trying to work himself out. Trying to be completely happy. 

But he was okay. He was. 

He was okay when Phil told him that he just wanted to be friends. When he told him Dan didn't love him anymore. He was okay. 

* * *

 

"Dan," Phil had said. "We need to talk." 

Dan's heart had dropped, but he was okay. 

Dan's voice cracked. "About what?"

"I just...I'm so confused, Dan. Do you love me?"

Dan was okay. 

"What? Yes, of course, I love you more than anything!" He said, voice breaking. Breaking, and falling, and sliding through the clench of pain that was constantly congealed in Dan's chest, slithering down to the floor where lied the sweet nothings that were once whispered in place of the fighting, that now sit, shattered in the veins of hurt.

"Then why," Phil said, tears amalgamating on the outside corners of his eyes. "don't you ever act like it?"

Dan choked. He couldn't respond. Phil was right. But Dan was okay when Phil walked out. He was okay. He was always okay. 

* * *

 

Dan was okay when Phil told him he couldn't love him anymore. Dan was okay when Phil seemed to get better. Dan was okay when Phil uploaded "Being Single is Awesome!" to his YouTube channel. Dan was okay when Phil told him he was going on a date less than two years after they broke up. Dan was okay when Phil told him he asked her to be his girlfriend. 

Dan was fantastic when Phil told him she said yes. 

Dan was ecstatic when he met her. 

* * *

 

Her name was Alice. She was a short girl who still had an endearing layer of baby fat on her arms, and natural blonde hair that curled perfectly down to her chin. Her eyes were light brown and shining, much like Dan's had been when he was in her position, just a few years before. Her face was splattered with freckles and she had a dimple on her left cheek, making her even more precious. 

Dan couldn't bring himself to hate her. 

He sat back and watched his best friend slowly fall in love with the tiny girl who always seemed to wear the brightest smile, and he saw the light shine in his eyes again. 

He could never make himself long for the days when the sparkle in the aqua eyes were caused by him, because even though once upon a time Dan gave Phil the sun and the moon by breathing in his direction, Phil always seemed to wear a little more color these days, and Dan never liked Phil in darks. 

With that said, however, Dan still couldn't help but grit his teeth just a little more when Alice giggled in the most lilted voice he had ever heard and sang, "Dan? It's so nice to meet you! Phil never stops talking about you." 

But Dan still couldn't bring himself to hate her. 

So he didn't. And he lay back, and he observed. And he still got a little bitter every now and then, but for the most part, he was okay. 

He actually thought he was okay. 

* * *

Dan slowly grew back into himself as he realized that what's best for Phil is what's best for him. He always knew that, but he only just began practising it. 

He was really starting to feel like he could be okay, which was nice. 

But then it wasn't. 

But he was okay. He was always okay. 

* * *

"Dan!" Phil yelled, from somewhere else in the apartment. Dan wasn't concerned, because he didn't sound panicked. 

When Phil's face appeared at the doorway of the office, Dan asked, "What's up?" with a casual tone. 

He turned to look at Phil, instead of the computer from which he was editing, and was greeted with Phil taking a deep breath. 

"Alice and I are getting married."

Oxygen seemed to vanish around Dan. Oxygen and happiness and words and okay. 

Of course he wasn't okay. Dan was never, ever okay. 

But he had to be. He just had to. For Phil. For Alice. For the viewers.

The poor man was flooded with so many emotions he didn't know what to focus on. He was happy for Phil, how could he not be? His best friend was getting married. That was something to celebrate. 

On the other hand, though, he was angry. He was so angry, at Phil, for not telling him that he was planning on proposing, at himself, for falling in love with his best friend and still not being over it after five years of being separated, at God or Zeus or a giant shiba inu or whatever you believe created the universe for giving him probably the worst luck anyone could have, but most of all, he was so amazingly and irrevocably sad.

He was sad, because he was going to have to watch this man whom he loved more than anything in the entire world get married to a woman who will probably never see his true beauty, and he was sad because he never had the guts to tell this wonderful man that he wanted him more than he wanted air, and he was sad, because this man, this man that would cause Dan to tear up at his perfection if he so much as made eye contact for a moment or two, would move out, and have kids, and have a real life, and be happy with someone who isn't him, all because his younger self was ridden with angst and couldn't deal with his goddamn feelings. 

Dan jumped up, almost having forgotten the fact that his best friend had just told him he was getting married, despite it being the only thing he was thinking about. 

He approached Phil. Not wearily, not slowly. He just walked. He walked towards him and threw his arms around his neck, burying his face in the skin where your neck meets your shoulder, and it's always been Dan's favorite part of Phil, because it smells good and he's always been sensitive there and it's such an odd place to smell nice but Phil's everything smells nice and Dan thinks he's okay but he's not and he's crying and Phil is hugging him back but he feels so confused and Dan is analyzing a hug with an engaged man far too much and he's trying to keep his tears from falling onto Phil's back and he hugs him even tighter and pulls his head even farther across his shoulder because then his tears fall to the ground instead and he gets to hug Phil tighter and he would have sworn to God that he heard Phil whisper that he'll always love him and Dan just cries harder and tells him to _hold me_ and Phil is crying. 

And Dan wonders if he'll ever be okay. 

(He won't.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first time i've ever cried over something i've written so i guess you can say im proud of this??
> 
> (edit: also i feel like replying to these comments and apologizing is like the equivalent to aftercare after possibly painfully kinky sex)


End file.
